I love lists, don’t you? Long or short, diurnal or recording, serious, frivolous, useless, listless; each and every one a gem. A longtime favorite is the List of Useless Taglines.
May I have a hamburger for which I’ll gladly pay a nickel on Tuesday.
I sure hate to have to ask you to.
And now for the two most scintillating minutes in television…
I’d like to kiss ya’, but I just washed my hair.
I have more will to stay than go. Parting is such sweet sorrow, I shall stay…
Let’s just have a smoke on it, shall we?
I shall not seek and I will not accept…
Excellent pool isn’t about pool excellence. It’s about being somebody.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep…
She blew my [nose], and then she blew my mind.
Oh, I’m from Philadelphia. We don’t do that sort of thing.
I did not touch that woman.
Riders, for your own safety, please do not lean against the doors.
Hi, I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re… not.
A man is brave when he does brave things.
That depends on what the definition of is is.
I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Please remove my name from your call list.
I was told my position was eliminated.
I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.
Every complete whole has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
I can’t; I have rehearsal.
Yes, Mama, I mailed it yesterday.
I cannot comment on an on-going investigation.
Time to make the donuts.
Remember, Friday’s quiz includes your vocabulary words.
Things I Noticed after Age 55
When I eat red meat, my urges for suicide abate – temporarily.
Knees are valuable and should be protected.
A clean house lends a boost to productivity.
Chocolate is poison, also raw milk.
Napping is allowed, but a 3-hour nap is counter-productive.
Wear my glasses as soon as I wake, rather than tolerate the
first half hour of the day with eyestrain.
Sit in the sun one hour a day all summer and, weather permitting,
1/2 hour during the winter. I need the vitamin D.
Liquor has a more immediate effect, but fewer next-day consequences.
Advil interacts with alcohol.
Houseplants are pets that don’t poop or have to go outside.
Houseplants have a short lifespan; don’t cry over them.
List of Things I Thought Were True but Aren’t
JFK was a hero.
Nixon was a villain.
Milk builds strong bones and good teeth.
Lima beans are nasty.
Short skirts will stay in fashion forever.
Mars is a larger planet than Earth.
Outer space is an empty vacuum.
Tyrone Powers is sexy.
Mick Jagger is sexy.
List of Things that Remain True
Robert Mitchum is sexy.
French fries are better with ketchup than with mayonnaise.
It’s not smart to salt watermelon.
Carbonated drinks cause zits.
Peanut butter causes zits.
You never outgrow zits, so watch what you eat.
List of Open Questions
Why is the middle of America a great plain instead of a thick forest?
Why are Haiti and the Dominican Republic so different?
Why are movies so dark in theme? All those rich people in California can’t be cheerful?
They look cheerful when they accept awards.
Why do radical Muslims hate capitalism? Didn’t they start free market capitalism?
Who is Jessica Simpson and why is her face on all the grocery store magazines?
Why are the tectonic plates moving?
List of Mama’s Sayings
Everything has a place and everything in its place.
You need to forgive your brother.
Everything you say will come back at you in full measure.
You can’t believe anything the rank-liberal press says.
Remember, you are loved.
Oh, I’m doing pretty good.
If you want to get something done, ask a busy person.
An angel stands over Jerusalem with a fiery sword.
I know your father liked him, but Eisenhower wasn’t that good a president.
After all, I’m 84 too, you know.
List of Student Excuses
It’s a blood infection.
I think I have a kidney disease.
My grandmother, we’re really close, just died.
It’s hard to be on time when you commute.
The missing paper’s in my portfolio I just submitted.
It’s on my hard drive at home. Can I email it?
I emailed it twice already.
It’s not my fault. My printer ran out of ink.
I know I missed eight classes, but can I take a make-up test?
I thought you’d show a little consideration.
Oklahoma (twice for funerals)